March

There's a lot of things about March that I used to love. It means Spring is right around the corner and my birthday is closing in. The grass starts to turn green again and Spring flowers start to appear. Winter is finally almost over!
But now March has a whole new meaning to me. It's when our lives changed forever and I hate that. I fear that I will always think of March as well it's been 1 year since....or 2 years since....I hate it because it used to be a month that I loved to see! Now I see it as just something else that was taken away from me.
The strange thing is I can't even remember the exact day. I try to think back but I can't remember. I guess I've blocked it out for some reason. All I can remember is standing in the hospital parking lot demanding information and I was freezing. It was windy and cold yet we stood there waiting. We needed to know, we couldn't wait any longer. We weren't going to leave until we got answers.

The night before I got a call from Paul's Sister Amy asking for our old apartment address. I told her and then asked why? She said she was in town (she lives in North Carolina) and was looking for Kathy. Ok, strange? It was 7pm at night and she had no plans to visit. But that's was all she would tell me.
I told Paul and he didn't know either. I can't remember if he talked to her or not but he didn't know what was going on. Just that something happened to Kathy and Amy drove home to see her.
All night we kept getting bits of pieces of information. Kathy was suicidal, telling stories of things that happened to her and things she did. But no one would tell us what.
As we sat in the living room together Paul and I started piecing information together along with scetchy texts that we got from Amy and her husband. At this point we were terrified for Kathy. We were worried and concerned for her.
I called my Aunt because she works at a phych hospital and told her some of the information we were getting. She immediatly asked if it had something to do with kids. If she did something in that regards. I remember telling her no! We trusted her with our own kids. Certainly it wasn't something like that.
As the night drew on Paul finally got answers and that's when everything crumbled. She was admitting to abusing kids, saying she was abused herself and was suicidal.
I was crushed. The world stopped for me then. I was panicked. I was numb.
Even as I type this I feel it. I don't even think Paul and I said anything to each other for several minutes. I just remember it being quiet and we were looking at each other as we processed the information we just received.
I think it hit us at the same time. What about the boys? What about Logan? She had been babysitting for us.
I ran for the phone and called my Mom. As I talked to her and told her what we heard I slowly became hysterical. I was crying and saying she watched the boys, she was alone with them, Logan always said he never liked her yet we pushed him to stay with her. What have we done?
The rest of the night Paul and I didn't do much but talk. We didn't sleep at all. We went over things and kept texting and calling Paul's Sister over and over again asking if she mentioned Logan's name. With nothing!
I will honestly never forgive Amy for leaving us in the dark like that for so long. I hope when she becomes a parent one day that she will finally see what she made us go through as we waited. It was complete hell. Almost 24 hours of hell of hoping and praying. Little did I know that hell was nothing compaired to what I would feel when we finally got a text saying "yes, she mentioned Logan's name".